Things that May or May Not Have Happened to Me

1. I was born.

2. When I was three years old, i had one pair of cowboy boots, which is one more than I have today. however, I also had much less control over my bowels, which led to having a pair of cowboy boots chock full of shit.

3. When I was a very young child, my cousin (also a very young child then) lived a few doors down from a slightly older kid who, according to rumor, was a ninja. In those days, it was so obvious that he was a ninja: he had real ninja stars, a real ninja sword, and the full ninja outfit. One day, we were supposed to go to his house for our first day of ninja training. Training consisted of him shooting arrows at us while we attempted to run past them. Somehow, we both survived our first day of ninjutsu training.

4. At the age of 8, I once gave a speech at a local college. Then I puked on my principal's shoes.

5. At age 12, I spied my teacher's dangling armfat, and before I even knew it, I had jiggled the armfat. She was not amused, bt some of the other kids were.

6. I didn't have a 13th year of life.

7. I had a highly sadistic high school PE teacher. he forced us to do hundreds of pushups, once in the rain in our swimtrunks next to the heated pool. He let us jump in for a few seconds only to force us to get out again and do more pushups.

This other time skipped our physical education to embrace a more spiritual one: he read to us from the bible.

8. As a teenager, I played a lot of hackey sack. I would play in the front yard of my family's house when it was cool enough. I don't think I was that good at it, but definitely got into it and worked up a sweat.

One evening at around 6, the sun was beginning to set. It was August. I start as I always did, fresh, ready try to top my personal best of something like 90 consecutive kicks. it wasn't long before I had hkciked the sack into a tree.

Maybe I was feeling cocky because it had been so easy to clamber up the branches and pluck the hackeysack like a piece of fruit. I wasn't going down too fast, but just was nearing the bottom, one of the branches I was holding onto snapped. I went plunging down and landed hard on my tail bone.

Pain shot up my back and throbbed throughout the rest of my body. I writhed around on the ground, instinctively holding my back as I rolled on the grass.

I was vaguely aware that one of my neighbors had been standing there the whole time. At first he ignored me, but soon he started watching me. The guy was a jerk most of the time, but this time he just watched me while i was lying on the ground in pain. It pissed me off, but I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of wailing out in pain. After a few minutes of this he finally decided to say something.

"You ok?"

Motherfucker. I stood up straight and gritted my teeth.

"I'm fine."

I calmly walked back into my house and into my room, where I resumed writhing.

9. I used to live in a building with underground parking. The parking was gated, and though there was access to the underground parking through the building, the front doors were perpetually locked. One night I had been out with some friends and got in at around three in the morning. I parked in my spot and got out of the car; i could hear what sounded like a soft stream of water echoing through the garage, and at first I couldn't tell from which direction it originated. I got my cue before I was able to find it for myself.
"Its okay, homes."
I couldn't make out the words as they were being said, exactly: they were a little too thickly intoned, a little too distorted by the labored rasp of breath that pushed them out. But as I asked "Excuse me?" I made the connection.
"It's okay. I'm washing the car."
It's important to mention that I had had my back to him when he first spoke, so that when I was facing him, I saw that he was standing between two cars parked in the row across from the row where I had parked. One of the cars, a mid size SUV, was sort of blocking my view of his lower half. Not that I hadn't figured out by now that he was pissing on the car, I just couldn't see it, and had no real desire to. Something to keep him over there, on the double:

"Cool, man. My car's all set, so... you know..."

Nice job. But my friend seemed to agree. He laughed a laugh laced with bronchitis, mummbled a soup of words as he shook his head. I could still hear him pissing.


I didn't really want to leave my car with this guy running around. How the hell did he get in in the first place? It was time for some decisive action.

"Hey man, when you're done over there, I got five bucks for you. Why don't you go get yourself a sandwich?" I figured if could give him enough cash, he'd want to go spend it that second. I'm not sure that's what he had in mind, but he finished up, walked over, and took the money without incident. As he was leaving he said one more thing:

"Thanks man. Godbless. Hey, I'll be back to wash your car tomorrow night, alright?"

"What? No!" Again as he left, I could hear that wheezy laugh. I never saw him again, but I parked out in the street at least two blocks away for a week.


10. Once I sawr a blimp.